See, the problem is not ‘being accepted’ (and by ‘accepted,’ I mean embraced for who you are by others, whether it is by people in general or people you care about). The problem is the type of thoughts I tend to have once I realize I am being accepted, especially by those I love.
I start to think there is going to be a way in which I will screw it all up. I start to think that I will do or say something that will turn out to be too much for them to handle, and they will end up fleeing from my life. I start to think that if I get too comfortable with being myself around them, and they leave, I will have to start over again some time and start the process of ‘trusting,’ again.
Moreover, I start to feel like a toll. I start to feel like the love they have for me is conditional on how much I ask from them, and the less I need reassurance, the more they will care for me. I feel like once I show my weaknesses, the less they will think of me. Because if they embrace me, that must mean that they see me as a strong person.
I start to think a lot of things until I throw myself into a pit of tears. See, the problem is not ‘being accepted,’ the problem is how I do not accept myself, and how I do not allow myself to be weak and vulnerable; to be human.